Build Stronger Connections: Boundaries In Relationships Made Simple
Key Takeaways
Boundaries are personal limits that protect your time, energy, and emotions.
Boundaries are about being assertive, not aggressive - boundaries do not come with the expectation of controlling others’ behavior.
Start small by simply expressing what you want - but be consistent in following through on expectations you set with others.
Boundaries are important in all areas of life, including with family, at work, and in romantic relationships.
I’m writing this during the holiday season, a time when I start to hear a lot of people talking about the idea of boundaries.
Often clients are getting ready to spend time with family and are worried about falling into old patterns, or they’re looking at setting limits at work so that they can take time off. It’s also a time of the year where we tend to look at our patterns and wonder what we’d like to change in January. Whatever the goal, it seems like the conversation often circles back to… boundaries.
It’s a complicated topic. It sometimes feels like the idea of “boundaries” has been thoroughly mental-health-TikTok-afied. We hear different definitions, often ones that carry a sort of aggressive tone. I think this aggressive tone can feel empowering when watching a video online, but actually holds people back from trying to communicate boundaries because many people worry about causing conflict in their relationships.
In this post, I’d like to get a little further into what boundaries are, and how they can be introduced in ways that help your relationships.
What Are Boundaries?
To me, boundaries are simply about the recognition and communication of your limits. It’s assertive, rather than aggressive.
Boundaries are personal limits. They tell people what’s okay and what’s not okay for you. They protect your emotional health, energy, and sense of self.
Examples include:
Saying "no" when you're too busy or tired to do something.
Asking for quiet time when you need to focus.
Letting others know when someone’s behavior is bothering you.
Good boundaries show self-respect and help others understand what you need.
To be clear, boundaries are not about telling people what to do and expecting that you will control them. Setting a boundary doesn’t mean that you’re going to get what you want. Setting a boundary means saying what you want or need so that others know what you’re feeling, and taking action that reinforces that. So, to take the examples above, that means:
When someone tries to convince you to do something even though you’re too busy or tired, you set a boundary by saying “I really don’t have the energy to do it today. Let’s reschedule for another time.”
If you need to focus and others are still being loud despite you asking for quiet, you move somewhere else.
If someone’s behavior doesn’t change after you let them know that it bothers you, you have a choice to talk about it further, or to take some space away from them.
These are actions that are assertive; they’re reinforcing that you have wants or needs and are going to look out for them, without controlling what others do.
Porous vs. Rigid Boundaries
Some people have boundaries that are nonexistent, and others have boundaries that are too overpowering.
One challenge I see coming out of the way boundaries are talked about online is that the concept is oversimplified: having boundaries is good, but overdoing it creates a highly individualistic, isolated lifestyle.
Let’s look at boundaries on a spectrum, ranging from porous (weak) boundaries to rigid (overly strong):
Porous Boundaries: You say yes when you mean no, share too much personal info, or let others take advantage of you. Nobody ever knows what you’re really feeling.
Rigid Boundaries: You avoid closeness, keep people at a distance, and may miss out on meaningful connections. You’re so focused on your own needs and avoiding discomfort that you never let others challenge you.
Healthy Boundaries: You say no when needed, share appropriately, and allow yourself to connect with others while protecting your well-being. You communicate your needs but allow others to influence you when it feels appropriate and supportive.
Healthy boundaries help you feel safe and balanced, whether you’re with a friend, family member, or coworker.
Boundaries and Mental Health
When boundaries are unclear or not communicated, it can take a toll on mental health. Without boundaries, you might find yourself constantly saying yes to things you don’t have the capacity for or tolerating behaviors that make you uncomfortable. Over time, this can lead to feelings of resentment, stress, and burnout.
Depression and Anxiety
Unclear or ignored boundaries often leave you feeling drained or overwhelmed, which can worsen symptoms of depression and anxiety. For example:
Depression: Feeling trapped or unable to prioritize your needs can lead to hopelessness and low self-esteem, which contribute to depression.
Anxiety: Fear of conflict or rejection may make setting boundaries feel scary, creating ongoing tension and worry. All forms of assertiveness, including expressing boundaries, are surprisingly effective at reducing anxiety.
Trauma and Boundary Setting
Trauma, particularly from experiences where your personal limits were violated, can make boundary-setting even harder. People who’ve experienced trauma may:
Struggle to recognize their own needs.
Avoid setting boundaries for fear of conflict or rejection.
Feel guilt or shame for saying no, even when it’s necessary.
Addressing these challenges in therapy can help you work through the underlying causes and build skills to create boundaries with confidence.
Steps to Create Healthy Boundaries
Know Your Needs: Think about what makes you feel comfortable and respected. More importantly, make a habit of paying attention to how you feel in the moment. What aspects of your relationships make you feel genuinely uncomfortable? Often these feelings are suggestive of needs that are unmet. If you don’t have an idea of what your needs are, help can be found through therapy, journaling, or talking with a friend.
Speak Up Clearly: Use simple, kind words to share your limits. Again, this is about assertiveness, not aggression. Assume that the other person simply doesn’t know what you’re feeling, rather than assuming that they have bad intentions.
Stick to Your Rules: Follow through on what you say, even if it feels hard at first. This doesn’t mean controlling what other people do. It just means recognizing your own autonomy, and the choice you have in how you engage with others.
Handle Pushback Calmly: People might not like it when you’re not cooperative with what they want. If you’re someone who’s been quiet about your needs, they might not expect it when you start expressing them. Assume that others may need time to adjust, and be assertive without being aggressive.
In the book Doing CBT, author David F. Tolin describes an alternate set of instructions that come from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), represented in the acronym DEAR MAN:
Describe the situation in a simple way
Express what you would like
Assert why this is important in a way that is respectful and not aggressive
Reinforce when you do get what you asked for
Mindful, meaning remain aware of the present moment
Appear confident
Negotiate to find a middle ground
Boundaries in Relationships: How They Build Trust and Respect
Boundaries are key to strong, healthy relationships. They let both people feel heard and respected.
Why Boundaries Matter in Relationships:
They help you share your needs and feelings without fear.
They allow you to be seen and feel seen. When others don’t know your boundaries, they don’t really know you - they see you as someone who’s easygoing, who doesn’t have any needs.
They prevent resentment from unmet expectations.
They create space for each person to grow and stay connected.
In a romantic relationship, setting boundaries might mean agreeing on alone time or being clear about what makes you feel supported. Boundaries let love and respect thrive.
They also build trust in a relationship. When you can share parts of your personality that might not be agreeable and easygoing, which allows you to feel understood on a deeper level. If you feel that you’re faking it in a relationship, it might be a sign that boundaries are not really being expressed or dealt with.
Setting Boundaries at Work
Boundaries are often difficult to enforce at work, where you may not feel very empowered to set limits. At the same time, they’re essential to keep you from feeling overwhelmed or burnt out.
Common Boundary Problems at Work:
Feeling pressure to always be available.
Taking on too much responsibility.
Navigating coworkers who cross personal or professional lines.
How to Set Boundaries at Work:
Often it feels as if it’s impossible to set boundaries at work. If it feels like change is impossible, I encourage clients to start small: rather than going for an enormous change, think of how to improve boundary problems at work by small increments.
In other words, how can you improve this issue by a small amount, such as 10%?
Politely decline tasks when your schedule is full. Or note that taking on this task will mean not getting another task done in the time that’s expected, and ask how you should prioritize the new task.
Let others know your availability: “I can reply to emails until 6 PM.”
Speak up if you feel uncomfortable with a situation or request.
Good work boundaries protect your time and energy while keeping you productive and satisfied.
How to Set Boundaries with Family
Family relationships can make boundary-setting feel tricky. People who love you may not always realize when they’re overstepping. They also have years and years of experience with different versions of you - they may be stuck in patterns that used to work for you, but don’t anymore.
Setting family boundaries helps reduce stress and improve relationships by creating mutual understanding.
Common Family Challenges:
Relatives giving unwanted advice.
Dealing with conflicting expectations.
Feeling pressure to attend every family event.
Solutions:
Be clear: “I appreciate your advice, but I’d rather make this decision on my own.”
Set time limits: “I can stay for two hours, but I’ll need to leave by 7 PM.”
Stay consistent: Repeating your boundaries calmly shows you mean them.
In many cases, families actually have no clue about individual people’s boundaries. Even when it seems like those boundaries should be obvious, they may not be. Patience and consistency can be helpful in establishing new patterns. (This doesn’t apply for families in which you feel that your boundaries have been consistently communicated and violated, obviously.)
Conclusion: Take the First Step Toward Healthier Boundaries
Boundaries are a foundation for healthier, happier relationships—with others and with yourself. If setting or maintaining boundaries feels overwhelming, therapy can provide the tools and support you need to create change.
If you’re dealing with challenges in your relationships, therapy can help.
Working with a therapist can help you:
Understand why setting boundaries feels difficult.
Learn strategies to set clear, respectful limits.
Address underlying issues like trauma, anxiety, or depression.
FAQs About Boundaries
What are some simple examples of boundaries?
Examples include saying no to last-minute plans, asking someone to stop interrupting you, or deciding not to discuss certain topics with a friend.
How can I feel less guilty about setting boundaries?
Remind yourself that boundaries aren’t selfish—they’re necessary. When you set limits, you’re protecting your health and improving your relationships.
What if someone ignores my boundaries?
Be consistent. Restate your boundary calmly but firmly. If the person continues to disrespect it, you may need to take more space in the relationship, or make other changes.